


Fred Weasley, Matchmaker Extraordinaire

by 0mens



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, F/M, Fred Lives, Non-Cannon Couples, mild crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2018-02-05 16:20:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1824682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0mens/pseuds/0mens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Let me teach you a little bit about love, Granger.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fred Weasley, Matchmaker Extraordinaire

**Name:** Chris  
 **Title:** Fred Weasley, Matchmaker Extraordinaire  
 **Fandom:** Harry Potter  
 **Word Count:** 4,038  
 **Genre:** General, Slight Crack, Complete AU  
 **Rating:** T  
 **Summary:** “Let me teach you a little bit about love, Granger.”  
 **A/N:** I had a Potterthon yesterday. Then this happened.

 

............

_matchmaker, matchmaker_  
 _make me a match_  
 _find me a find, catch me a catch_  
~ fiddler on the roof

............

 

Hermione was knee deep in work when the owl came.

The Ministry had decided that none of the regulations were up to code – especially the more antiquated ones – which lead to late nights every day for two weeks straight and working through lunch. There was a stack of files ten deep on her desk and an assortment of quills sticking out of her hair, and she was so caught up in Centaur boundary proposals that the tapping on the glass behind her failed to register for several seconds.

She turned and saw Houdini, the owl that usually did deliveries for Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, sitting on the ledge staring at her expectantly with his huge saucer eyes. Smiling, she opened the window and he hopped inside, hooting at her happily from atop her stack of work.

“Hi there.” With a scratch behind the ear, Hermione untied the small roll of parchment tied to his leg. “What have they got you up to now?”

His job now done, Houdini hooted once more and flew back out the window, his black feathers at once invisible in the night sky. Hermione shook her head, turning to the paper in her hand.

_Granger -_   
_Stop working so hard and come have a drink. I have a good feeling about tonight – you don't want to miss it._   
_\- Your Favourite Twin_

Despite herself, a laugh escaped. Fred was nothing if not persistent, and he'd been persistently trying to get Hermione to come out with them for a month or more now. He seemed to be under the impression that she needed to have more fun in her life. It was sweet, but Hermione sometimes couldn't help but wonder why he seemed so invested...

She stood up from her desk, stretching her neck this way and that, trying to work out all the kinks that had knotted themselves into her muscles during the day and rubbed at her eyes. As if calling to her, the parchment drew her eye again. She could do with a break.

Deciding to go before she changed her mind, Hermione locked all her papers in the top desk drawer and gathered up her bag. Flicking out her lamp, she disapparated with a loud pop.

 

............

 

The Leaky Cauldron was in full Friday night swing when Hermione walked in. There was a loud darts game going on the corner and several games of Exploding Snap, and the radio garbled out Celestina Warbeck from the behind the bar. For just a brief second, Hermione began to second guess her decision.

“Hermione!”

She craned her neck, spotting Harry over by the fireplace with huge grin on his face. Smiling in return, she made her way through the crowd toward him. “Hi,” she hugged him briefly. “It's mad in here.”

“I'm glad you made it.” Harry helped her off with her coat, leading her towards the table where Ron, the twins, Lee Jordan, and Oliver Wood were sitting. _Good thing I'm used to being the only girl around_ , she thought as they all shouted greetings. “Fred was worried you'd decide to stay at the Ministry all night.”

“Oh, I know,” she replied “He's been very vocal in his disapproval.”

“Well you know how I feel about a good, honest, hard days' work.” Fred chimed in as they reached the table. “It's just not natural.”

Hermione laughed. “Ha, ha.” She sat down, taking the glass Ron slid down the table toward her gratefully, downing half her butterbeer in one gulp.

Fred missed none of it. “Thirsty?”

Mildly embarrassed, Hermione sat her glass back down and fixed her attention on him. “All right, I'm here. What exactly is it that I don't want to miss?”

Scooting closer on the bench beside her, Fred reached up and plucked a quill from her hair. Hermione snatched it with a huff. “I don't suppose you've noticed you're not the only workaholic I've managed to drag out tonight?” He gave a very pointed look down at the end of the table were Lee and Ron were clearly very enthralled by Oliver's recap of spring training with Puddlemere United. “I've decided it's time Wood got his head out of his quaffle and took a look around.”

“So to speak.” Hermione shook her head, sipping on her drink. “Why do I suddenly feel sorry for Oliver?”

Fred tutted at her. “Because you, Granger, are possessed of a highly suspicious nature. It'll come to no good.”

“Clearly,” she said dryly.

Suddenly George stood up from his seat beside Harry. “Katie – over here!”

So Hermione wasn't the only girl invited along after all. She turned back to Fred, one eyebrow arched. “You're not serious.”

“What? It's a great plan!” He hissed. Taking hold of her wrist, Fred tugged her even closer – inappropriately so. “Listen, I've known Wood for years, so trust me when I say that this is for his own good. All he does is practice; he's too serious.”

“A high crime, surely,” Hermione remarked. Fred made a face at her.

“You mock, Granger, but I'll have you know that I happen to be a matchmaker extraordinaire.”

Hermione groaned inwardly. Coming here had most assuredly been a bad idea. When Fred got an idea in his head – well, Hermione couldn't help thinking her aunt's overly excitable Border Collie's single minded determination to nab the Christmas ham one year. It hadn't been pretty.

She took another long drink. _I hope Oliver's sense of humour has improved since school._ “I have a bad feeling about this,” she muttered, watching as George made a great show of giving up his seat to Katie – his seat right beside Oliver.

Silently, Hermione watched as Katie leaned over and hugged Oliver, huge smile on her face that Hermione remembered quite well. Katie had always been friendly. She was one of the house-mates that Hermione recalled the fondest; and she wasn't the only one. The entirety of the Gryffindor girls dormitory had cried quite a bit the night she had been attacked. Having not seen her in years, Hermione couldn't help but notice that Katie seemed exactly the same as she always had, as if the half year she spent in St. Mungo's had never happened.

“Saw her last week, and the first thing she did was ask about Wood,” Fred confided. He was sitting so close his breath wafted a few strands of loose hair across her ear. Hermione fidgeted. “I always reckoned she had a bit of a crush on him back in the day, but you know Wood – she was on his team, no way he was gonna risk that. And she was three years younger to boot; Oliver's not that type of bloke. Now though...” Fred waggled his eyebrows suggestively, huge canary-catcher smile on his face. “You know he came to see her in hospital. With _**flowers**_. Pity she was unconscious.”

“You're terrible,” Hermione whispered, whacking him on the arm. Fred merely beamed at her.

“Oi, it's rude to whisper,” Ron shouted down the table at her. He looked all sorts of annoyed – probably because Katie's arrival had drawn every iota of Oliver's attention and, to Ron, his best friend and brother just didn't hold a candle to chatting with a Quidditch star. With a final glare at them, he swivelled around to Lee.

Putting a more respectable distance between her and Fred, Hermione toyed with the quill in her hand, brushing the feathers back and forth across the grain of the table. “If you're so good at matchmaking,” she asked, “where's your proof?”

Fred tipped his head over towards the dartboard. “Over there's one prime example.”

She turned, eyeing the cosy looking couple sitting just to the left of the still raucous game. They didn't appear to even notice. “Dean and Cho?”

“Goin' on four months now.” Fred looked entirely too pleased with himself for anybody's good. “She was in the shop and I spied him looking at her when she wasn't paying attention. So naturally, I kept sending him over to help her.”

“Naturally. I'm fairly sure Dean didn't take a part-time job at the shop so you could throw him at random girls.”

Fred grinned. “Just a perk.”

Chancing a glance back over at the pair of them, Hermione couldn't help but notice that they seemed happy. Certainly they were too absorbed in each other's company to pay any attention to the pandemonium going on around them. Indeed, they seemed to her to be lost in their own world. Hermione sighed.

When she turned her attention back to him, Fred was eyeing her carefully, his expression blank. Perhaps he had noticed her reaction to Dean and Cho, and what she was sure was an envious look on her face.

She only hoped she wasn't his next project.

Clearing her throat in an attempt to regain her metaphorical footing, Hermione tapped the tip of her quill on the table. It had been dry for hours, so no fear of Tom despairing at ink on his furniture. “So one couple and you think you have a gift?”

“Three.”

“Three? Three couples?” Hermione hoped her eyes weren't about to bug out of her head. “Who else?”

He leaned closer in to her. Catching a whiff of sugar and soap and else, something more peppery as he moved, Hermione fought back the urge to take a deep breath. He would most certainly take it the wrong way and she had not come out tonight to feed into his ego.

He just happened smelled good. That was all.

“Well there is my dear twin.”

That was news to her. “I thought Percy set them up?”

“So does Percy.” Fred smiled brightly, enjoying his brother's misconception even when he wasn't there. “Who do you think put the idea in his head? Perce is a lot of things, but adept in the ways of romance isn't one of them.”

“And yet he's married while you're still single,” she quipped.

Fred wagged a finger at her. “Now now, let's play nice.” He pointed back towards Oliver and Katie – none too subtly – but they failed to notice, seemingly having a grand time together. Hermione wasn't sure, but she thought she heard 'Healer' banded around. They weren't even discussing Quidditch. “See what I mean? Let me teach you a little bit about love, Granger.”

She raised her eyebrows in scepticism.

Ignoring her look, Fred went on. “Something you may not know about us Weasley men is that we like a challenge. We like our women fiery, clever. Something to keep a bloke interested. Keeps us on our toes.” She bit back a scoff. “Knowing my dear brother as I do, I knew it would take a bird with a brain to snare him. And who's got more brains than a Ravenclaw?”

“So Percy bringing Padma to the Burrow for dinner...”

Bright head bobbing, Fred chuckled. “I merely mentioned how lonely she must be: her sister gone, Muggle parents, all alone in the magical world. Nothing like a big family to cure a thing like that. And who better to understand losing a twin than someone who almost went through it themselves?”

That was something Hermione didn't like to think about, Fred nearly dying at the battle, the weeks he could do no more than sit up on a mound of pillows, months and months of recovery after that wall nearly killed him. A world without Fred Weasley was one she couldn't imagine...

“Percy ate it all up. He loves the idea of having his assistant in the family – so to speak. 'Efficient', he says.” Dipping his head toward her, Fred whispered, “You didn't hear it from me, but George may or may not have been out looking at rings yesterday.”

“No!”

“No what?” George called. “Are you two plotting down there? Cause that's just not fair to the rest of us innocent bystanders.”

“Innocent my foot,” said Lee and Katie at the same time.

With a laugh, George went on. “Between your wicked mind and Hermione's brains, the rest of us don't have a chance.”

“Good thing we're not plotting then,” Fred said, smooth as glass. “Merely gossiping.” He gave his brother a very deliberate look. Flushing, George turned his attention back to the other occupants of the table.

Hermione laughed. “Poor George. You're not going to make this easy on him, are you?”

Fred shook his head.

“So who's number three?”

“Charlie and Tonks,” he replied simply, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Hermione's jaw dropped. “No one ever said...” She tried, in vain, to wrap her head around it. “What happened?”

“Charlie went to Romania. She broke his nose before he left. Mum's had a soft spot for her ever since. They both had fits when he said he was leaving.” Fred sighed. “All my hard work, gone. To think I nearly drowned myself for those two.”

“I think I'm going to need more detail on that,” Hermione said. “I'd hate to think you almost died for a relationship that didn't even last.”

Huffing, Fred pursed his lips at her. “I just put the pieces on the board. How they play the game is up to them.”

She couldn't help but giggle at that. It was always fun to pick at Fred – he needed it every once in a while. “So how did you nearly drown?”

“Not sure I want to say now...” With an indignant sniff, he took a long draw from his own butterbeer.

Well. Two could play that.

Shrugging, Hermione turned around. George was busy explaining the workings of the latest WWW craze, a type of invisible ink resistant to spelled reveal – the ultimate in sneaking notes in class. They were also trying their hands at their own version of the Marauder's Map. Ron and Harry grinned at her across the table. Not a bit those discreet, those two.

Out of the corner of her eye, Hermione saw Fred scowling. Pleased with herself, she leaned forward facing the others, not even having to feign her interest. The map was an extraordinary piece of magic. And, though she'd never tell them, if there was anybody capable of replicating it, it was Fred and George. They were really quite brilliant when it came down to it.

“Ahem.” Fred made a great show of clearing his throat; Hermione paid him no mind, which made George cackle for some reason.

“AHEM.”

Lee leaned around Ron to peer at Fred. “Need another drink, mate?”

“No,” he huffed. “I was just telling Hermione about how Charlie and Tonks got together.”

Harry and Ron looked just as surprised as she had been. “Was she the girl who broke his nose?” Ron asked, sounding somewhat awed.

“Oh yeah,” George said, ignoring Ron. “I remember. You pretended to fall in the pond and Charlie had to jump in after you.”

“But not before he took his shirt off – right in front of Tonks. Not that she minded at all.” Fred winked at Hermione. She flushed. “Ted was always bringing her over when he came to see Dad. Apparently the two of them had been driving Bill crazier at school with their bickering than they did all of us at the Burrow. Something had to be done.”

Now, Hermione's curiosity was piqued. “So you threw yourself in the pond?”

“It was a small sacrifice to make, let me tell you.” A collective sigh went up from the redheads of the group. “Charlie still talks about her.”

“Well, they were together for three years,” George said.

Hermione's heart went out to him. It must have been awful for him, Tonks gone and all the unanswered questions he must have. What if he'd stayed...

So caught up in her own pondering, Hermione didn't even notice when everyone returned their attentions to whatever they had been talking about before. Everyone except Fred “So, Granger... have I convinced you yet?”

A shiver traced it's way down her spine. Odd. It must have just tickled. Fred had managed to work his way right beside her yet again, speaking directly into her ear so that the others couldn't hear what he was saying. She looked up at him from beneath her lashes – not intentionally. He was just that close. Fred's eyes were unreadable and Hermione sucked in a shaky breath.

“If you're such a great matchmaker,” Hermione said, her voice only about a third as shaky, “why haven't you found a girl for yourself?”

A knowing smirk spread slowly across his face. “And who's to say I haven't?”

“Really?” Voice sounding small to her own ears, Hermione felt a lead weight deposit itself in her stomach – which was ridiculous. Fred was her friend; she shouldn't begrudge him any happiness.

Huffing out a laugh, Fred shook his head. “No need to sound so happy for me, Hermione.”

“I am!” she protested.

“Right...”

Honestly. It almost sounded as though he were implying – well, she wasn't sure just what exactly he was implying but she didn't like it. Not one bit.

“It's a great story, too,” Fred said, all but bouncing in his seat. “See, I started by sending her notes everyday, trying to get her to come out with all of us.”

Hermione's head snapped up.

Fred was full out beaming at this point. “And then, I proceeded to tell her all about my incredible matchmaking skills until she couldn't help but fall in love with me.”

All of a sudden Hermione found it very hard to breathe. At all. “Do... you're – What?”

The grin only slipped off Fred's face when Ron, direct as ever, yelled loud enough for half the pub to hear, “Blimey, would you just kiss her already.”

“Ron!” Face aflame, Hermione pushed herself away from Fred, as mortified as the other patrons were amused. Even Tom was chuckling good-naturedly across the room. “What is wrong with you?”

Ron snorted, and to Hermione's horror, even Harry was cracking up. “Oh please, Hermione. He's completely gone on you, talks about you all the time. Can't really get him to shut up actually.” He said the last part under his breath, but loud enough for their entire table to hear.

With a sympathetic pat on Hermione's hand, Katie stood up and made her goodbyes. She turned to Oliver as she buttoned her coat, smiling bright. “Want to walk me home?”

Grinning, Oliver stood. “Night fellas, Hermione. Do us all a favour and put him out of his misery, yeah?” He tipped his head toward Fred, taking Katie's proffered hand as they weaved through tables to the door.

Eyes narrowing in suspicion, Hermione rounded back on Fred. “Did you put them up to this?”

For once, Fred looked utterly out of the loop. “I don't know what's – what is going on?” he demanded, eyeing the four boys now grouped at the end of the table, all smirking at his obvious bewilderment.

“Simple,” Lee said. “Tonight's Ron night in the pool. Hence his completely **_un_** subtle approach to your two and your amusing, yet tiresome, mating dance.”

“Too true, brother mine,” George added. Then he scowled at Ron. “Though technically, I think we have a case of cheating here.”

Harry laughed “That's only because you picked next month.”

“Well who knew Fred would finally make a move!” George punctuated his statement with wide, flappy arm motions reminiscent of a bird that accomplished only knocking over the tray a passing waitress was carrying.

Looking extremely affronted, Fred swivelled his head from one of them to the other. “Pool? You've been _**betting**_ on me?” He sounded aghast, as though he wouldn't have done the exact same thing. His mother would have been so proud.

“Cheer up, mate,” Lee said. “Now you can stop trying to set people up thinking it will prove to Hermione that you're some love guru in hopes she'll take the hint.” He took a sip of his drink. “George and I both told you to just ask her out ages ago.”

“Wha– I _**have**_ been setting people up! You and Padma!”

Ron sighed. “I'm sure that idea had nothing to do with you guys going to the Ministry to drop off some supplies and George drooling all over Percy's desk like a Slytherin when she came in.”

“Oi, I wasn't that bad,” George huffed.

Spluttering in indignation, Fred turned a spectacular shade of pink. “Dean and Cho! I know I was right about them.”

With a sad shake of his head, Harry stood up. He grabbed his coat from the bench beside him and made to leave as well. “Dean's always had a bit of a thing for her. Asked me a year ago if I'd be all right with them going out. She was just seeing someone else at the time. They had just broken up the day she came in the shop.” He wrapped his scarf around his neck, nodding to the group as a whole. “Night.”

“So all this time...” Fred looked at his brothers with a most pitiful expression on his face. “You hoodwinked me.”

“I think it's time we left these two alone.” Lee stood as well, tossing a few galleons on the table. “Keep it clean, kiddies. This is a family place.”

 

............

 

“I cannot believe it's finally happened,” George sighed. “Maybe I'll finally get a good night's sleep in my own bed without Fred waking me up at two in the bloody morning to ask my opinion on some letter he's thinking about sending her. D'you know Padma refuses to stay over any more? We have to sleep at her place – that dog of hers is mental.”

“Like you go over there for sleep,” Ron said.

George shoved at him. “Don't start, Ron.”

“At least all those new regulations were for a good cause.” Lee kicked at a stray rock with the toe of his shoe. “How did Harry manage that?”

“He's Harry Potter,” Ron said simply. “Though I think Mafalda Hopkirk's weird crush on him came in handy. That woman can really nag, and Kingsely is only human after all.”

George turned to him. “So now that you're not going to be spending every evening griping to Fred that Hermione is still at work and can't come out with us, you gonna ask out a certain blonde we saw you chatting up the other day?”

Face as red as his hair, Ron sped up. “Not listening.”

“Oh come on! I bet Fred's got some great ideas.”

 

.............

 

“So...”

“So.”

All the blood in Hermione's body seemed to be pooling in her cheeks; she could feel the heat radiating out from her face. As hard as it was to imagine that Fred was interested in her, it was even more difficult to wrap her head around the fact that everyone seemed to know it but her. She peeked up at Fred, her quill still clutched in her hand – though the stem seemed to have snapped somehow. “You did all this for me?” she asked quietly.

Fred fidgeted. Then, after he cleared his throat, he fidgeted some more and pushed his hair out of his face. He seemed all at ends and it was rather adorable truth be told. “Would that... be okay?” Slowly, he brought his eyes up to hers.

A small smile broke across Hermione's lips, growing into a full out grin. “Only if you stop trying to set up people who clearly already like each other.”

Returning her smile, Fred stuck out his hand. “Deal.”

Hermione shook it, feeling more than a little relieved. But then –

“All together though? Cause I met this girl I think would be a good fit for Neville and...”

Hermione clapped a hand over his mouth. “Just stop talking and buy me another butterbeer.”

Fred beamed at her and smacked a loud kiss on her cheek. “Yes, dear.”

 

............

 

_Oh my god, the fluff. I don't even know what to say._


End file.
